We should not raise kids to become what we want them to be, rather, we raise kids to become what they want to become, to be the best versions of themselves, not something pre-conceived.

I think this is one of the best and hardest lessons to learn as a parent. Truthfully, I do not remember where I first read it (and I am paraphrasing as I cannot re-find the quote). I believe it may have been on Instagram as I doom-scrolled one night. It caught my eye and made me think pretty hard.

On the surface, this seems easy. Of course, we want our kids to be themselves and become who and what they want to be. But do we? We all have pre-conceived notions about so many things and I believe we think about our children the same way, except that they are living breathing, opinionated, vocal, independent individuals – not our personal career, financial, and lifestyle goals. Furthermore, we must keep in mind that what worked for us or where we excelled as kids may not be where our kids excel or even desire to excel.

We want our kids to be successful but we define success. We want our kids to be themselves but as we envision them. We want our kids to progress but we think we know the best way to do it. It really should never be about the parent, it’s always about the child. Thus, parents have to learn the art of raising children to become themselves.

Raising children is not about efficiency and lean, mean project management. I believe that its about the desire to raise kids and the desire to spend time with them, pass along wisdom, and see them grow into adulthood. They need to become their own person or they will forever struggle.

It is easy to think that what worked for us or how we were raised is simply how we should parent and how we should approach our children. I do not believe that is true. I am saying this from the position of having awesome parents who did a great job raising their kids (who’s only flaw may be an excess of humility). However, times change, society changes, technology develops, the climate gets worse, life now is not the same as it was when we grew up and its not the same as when our parents grew up etc. We, as parents, must adapt to the world around us and teach our children timeless lessons, rather than rigid rules and absolutes.

As parents it is our job to shepherd our children, protect them, and to teach them principles and values that will guide their own decision making.  We have to accept the world as it is and prepare them for it rather than wishing the world were different and preparing them for a world that does not exist. The world of our childhoods, no matter your age, is over and gone. We have to understand that our children are shaped by different forces than us, have different goals than we do, and will live in a vastly different world than we did. 

So what do we do?

First, we understand that childhood (and life?) is not a straight path, but rather it is a meandering series of dead ends, failures, accidental wins, and chosen successes. We cannot choose for our children. We have to let them try and fail and learn and grow. We have to provide an environment for them to learn, for them to try and fail then try again, a place for them to experiment with themselves and their world so that they can understand it for themselves.

Second, we teach values and the basis for decision making. If we force decisions upon kids, then they will not know why they decide the way they do or will not know what to do when the world changes and a new situation presents itself. They will be stuck applying round holes to a variety of shapes. Teach them values that stand the test of time, not rules that apply in the moment. Teach ways to think so that they can understand a situation for themselves and apply values to it, not rigid binary processes. Life is all about choices and there will come the day when no matter how hard we try or how hard we want to, we can’t make our child’s decision for them.

Third, be the example. Show, don’t tell, them how to act. Be their inspiration. You will, of course, face difficulties. If you want your child to be able to face difficulties, then show them how you believe is the best way to face problems. Show them how to act in good times and bad times. Furthermore, if you want them to be something in particular, then show them inspiring, but honest, examples of that. For example, if you want them to fall into the family business then make it real for them, show them why you’re in it, what excites you, and what you love, but also show them the hard times. You certainly do not want them to excitedly jump in, only to fall out the second they realize its not how they envisioned.  Show them reality, in a way they can understand, to observe and learn from.

Think of it like teaching someone how to bowl. We are a combination of the teacher and the bumpers. We teach technique, guide use of strength, and provide examples. Then, we act as bumpers protecting the ball from veering too off course. Eventually, however, they have to bowl the ball themselves and we have to stop being the bumpers. Eventually, we have to stand back and watch them throw gutter-balls. How they react to those gutter-balls is pretty good feedback on how we’re doing. Then, because life is the way it is, we’ll have to watch them as all sorts of junk falls on to their alley, hindering or blocking their bowls entirely. That is what we are preparing them for, how they decide to maneuver and react to those situations is how they become themselves.

Alyse and I are working on this every day. We are certainly not claiming any sort of perfection! The babies are too young right now to learn much. Calvin is like us in so many ways but he is also his own person, even at six years old. He has a cheeky sense of humor and loves pranks (that would be us) but also loves to be scared and watch creepier (but, yes, appropriate) videos (not something either of us are into). He will grow up to be Calvin Steven Burnor, not a mini-me or mini-Alyse. Our goal is simply to support him in being the absolute best Calvin Steven Burnor he can be.